Englishes in Jokes

englishes, scottish english, irish english, english language

There are many Englishes in the world. Brought from its homeland, the British Isles, to different parts of the globe, the English language has developed specific features in each of the areas where it has come to be used.

Varieties of English differ considerably. But in spite of this all the varieties still remain essentially one language.

The English language varies even in its homeland. The differences between British English, Irish English and Scottish English have become the basis of the jokes. Read them and enjoy!


An American travelling in Scotland got into a conversation with a local farmer, and, in the course of the talk he remarked:

"I guess you haven't heard about the cattle salve we have in the United States. You simply cut off a cow's tail, rub the salve on the stump, and you'll have a new tail on the cow in a week's time."

"Hoot, mon, that's naething. Ye ocht tae see the embrocation we ha'e at the place I coom frame. Ye simply cut a coo's tail aff, rub the salve on the tail, an' in a week's time a new coo grows on the auld tail."


Englishman - "I'll never forget my feelings the first time I had breakfast in America, when the waitress leaned over my shoulder, and whispered in my ear: 'Are you through with the cereal?' " It was some time before I discovered that she meant: 'Have you finished your porridge?' "

American - "Well, shortly after I landed in England a waiter came up to me at luncheon and said: 'How did you find your chop, sir?' I replied: 'Oh, I looked behind the potato and there it was,' before I understood that he was asking me how I liked it."

Scotsman - "That's nothing to what happened to me, once. I was in lodgings in a small town in the West of Ireland. Half an hour after I had finished my supper an exceedingly pretty girl came into my room and said: 'Will I strip now, sir?' I fled into my bedroom and locked the door, but I found out afterwards that Irish girls always talk about 'stripping the table,' when they meant 'clearingaway the dishes.' "


When Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord Justice asked him, "Hae you ony counsel, mon?"
"Do you want to hae ony appointed?"
"I only want an interpreter to make me understand what your lordships say."


American Traveler (to hall-porter of an Irish country hotel) — "How many mails a day are there in this hotel?"

Hall-Porter — "Three, sir; breakfast, dinner, and tay."


On the overnight boat from Ireland to England, a passenger accosted a uniformed character at the rail: "I say, are you the mate?"

"That Oi'm not," answered the character. "Oi'm the man that cooks the mate."


"There's a moose loose!"
"Are you English or Scotch?"

Read more jokes about British English and American English.

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